The Day My Life Changed Forever

I was standing in the disabled women’s toilet. All of a sudden there was a chill, my face turned pale white and goosebumps ran up my forearms. Another colleague tried to turn the doorknob to get in, my heart started racing and my face felt hot, “Sorry I’m in here!”

bathroom

My mind felt like someone had turned on a blender, the leftover Sunday roast swirling around my brain. I looked in the mirror and could barely recognise myself, nothing physically had changed but the stick covered in pee and a harsh, deep blue line was looking up at me, smiling knowingly. 

Tears started pouring down my face, I was uncontrollably crying, convulsing almost to the point where I didn’t know how to stop. Luckily I was at work, so I had to pull it together. I had to make my face look normal, wait for the red and pink to settle. Go back to my desk and put a smile on. C’mon just suck it up!

I could only manage to suck it up for five minutes, until I sat down at my desk and started crying all over again. I lied to my manager and said that my dad was sick in the hospital, she told me to go home and let her know tomorrow if I need another day. 

It’s funny how time can slow down and speed up. The elevator down to the lobby felt like the longest moment of my life as if I was riding down into my grave. The doors opened and I walked through, feeling shameful.

elevator

What have I done? How could I be so irresponsible with my life, and my boyfriend’s life? Oh shit. My boyfriend. 

I completely forgot that he even existed. I push through the round-a-bout doors and walk into a private corner outside. The phone rings three times, 

“Hey Meg, what’s up? I’m really busy at work, is everything alright?” I never call him when I’m at work.

“Um, yea…….[stomach churning, long pause] …..I’m not okay.”

“Oh no…[not really concerned, still typing on his computer] what happened?” Probably thinking it’s some kind of work drama between my colleagues and I.

“Um, sooooo….um, oh my god I can’t even say it [tears streaming, throat closing up]…………..fuck.”

“Meg [typing stops, concerned voice] what the fuck is going on, you’re scaring me now?” he replies. [very long pause, I’m crying in the background] “Are you pregnant?”

“What?!? How do you know?”

“Oh shit. I just guessed I wasn’t sure,” he replies. “What are you going to do?” Not really sure if he meant what am I going to do with my life or in that moment. 

“I’m going to pick up a few more…[throat still closed up, gulping and crying] ..tests just to be sure, [another pause] so I’ll be home in twenty or thirty minutes. [major cry and breath in] Sorry I can’t even speak, I have to go.”

Forty minutes later I arrive. I give my boyfriend the biggest hug I have ever given him, and hold on for dear life as if this is the last time I will ever see him. 

hug

“Meg, what are you going to do?”

This question loomed over me for two or three days. Have the baby, don’t have the baby, have the baby, don’t have the baby, have the fucking baby! I’m not responsible enough to make this decision. Who am I to decide? 

The next week I was invited to a super fancy media party, with hip-hop artist, Nas, performing! WOAH, so cool dude. Still acting like I’m super fun and love to party (which, to be fair, I still do). 

I rock up in all black, a leather jacket and converse sneakers. Can they tell I’m faking it? Do I still fit in? Is this all worth it? 

What is more important to me and do I have to give this all up?

I shine my white pearlies at the bouncer and go straight to the bar, to order sparkling water with lime. Nobody will notice if I get my drink before anyone sees me. A big secret that nobody can know. Staring at the sea of people, I spot my friends in the corner, dancing, ordering jagerbombs (already, even at 7pm), flirting, making jokes. I hold back. Who the fuck are these people? 

Not even into a week of pregnancy and I was already massively reevaluating who I was and what I was doing with my life. Why was this scene so important to me? The previous day before I was telling the doctor I wanted an abortion.

My friend ran over to me and lifted me up, “I already ordered you a drink, come on!” Laughing and pretending I was slightly drunk, “No it’s okay I just had one.” [smile, smile, laugh]

I felt like a big fat liar, it was hurting me. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. 

I can’t be a mom, I’m not motherly. I didn’t want this for another five years at least. What is this going to do to my career? I want to be at the top of my game before I have a baby. How will I even afford this? I’m not married! What the fuck is marriage anyway? Do I even agree with this concept? What is life supposed to be about? Am I in the right job? 

This little tiny, tiny itsy bitsy person inside me sparked a whole lot of questions, flying through my mind whilst nodding my head to ‘”life’s a bitch and then you die.”

party

And then…. more crying. More tears, more thoughts, more unknowns. It was so un-me. What is wrong with me? Am I sad of about the thought of having a baby or sad because I don’t want the baby?

I went home looking like a wet dog, smelling like a dirty club.

Almost 12am, my boyfriend looking sound asleep. I try to hold everything in, tip toeing around the room, undressing and getting into a t-shirt that felt like home and finally sliding into bed. He snuggles up to me without hesitation, I burst into tears one last time and fall asleep in a haze.

And then there I am. Telling the doctor that actually I don’t want an abortion, as if the last two weeks had evaporated into thin air. 

And here I am now, two years later, with a beautiful, all-encompassing little boy who changed my life forever, and has made me happier than I could have ever imagined. 

US

49 thoughts on “The Day My Life Changed Forever

    1. Thanks so much! I know I can’t believe a blue line can change my life, I feel like pregnancy tests should sing a happy song or something, maybe that would lessen the shock? lol

  1. I can relate to this completely!! I was 21 when I fell pregnant with thomas and thought my world was gonna end, I went to the doctors and wanted an abortion and also changed my mind. I love to read posts about the other side of finding out your pregnant not the happy, trying for years kind. Always good to see another perspective! #stayclassymama

    1. Yes! I think if I have another one (a BIG if lol), I will still be surprised even if it’s planned, probably cry again too haha!

  2. It can be so overwhelming when you find out that you’re pregnant – I remember shaking when I found out instead of being excited like I was supposed to be. The whole concept of being in charge of a small person – and giving up my old life – was terrifying. And yeah, it’s hard and scary at times, but it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. #stayclassymama

    1. Definitely! To be honest I think being a parent is like having two personalities, one day you are super happy and the next you are yelling and overtired. It’s a love hate thing lol. Thanks for commenting!

  3. I feel like I could have written this. Not quite as well as you did, but still. It’s funny how the moments that feel like they’re breaking us are the ones that build us, define us, and ultimately give us so much happiness. Love that you shared this!

    #StayClassyMama

  4. It’s crazy how it feels. I was ready and we were trying for our daughter when I found out I was pregnant, but I’ll never forget the moment that the stick said I was actually going to have a baby! A BABY! Holy cow! #stayclassymama

  5. Wow, thank you for sharing such an emotional, raw moment. This honesty is so refreshing as abortion is such a taboo subject. I have had conversations with people who have expressed disbelief that I can be a mum but still pro-choice, but making that choice is about so many more things that those people comprehend. Good for you for sharing, and I’m so happy for you that you feel you made the right choice, your little one is gorgeous 🙂 xx #stayclassymama

    1. I can’t understand people who are not pro-choice, why wouldn’t you want to decide about what happens to your own body? It’s almost like saying you wouldn’t want the choice to breastfeed or not breastfeed, it’s my body I should be able to do what I want with it, no? : ) I definitely made the right choice! Thank you so much for commenting and reading! : )

  6. Oh God, this was me with number 2… And I remember at the time that one line making me so angry, and yet totally understanding it at the same time “what are you gonna do?” Dude, what am I gonna do?? You mean what are we gonna do?? I wanted to be angry with him for his phrasing, but at the same time he was verbalising my exact thought process! What am I gonna do?!?! Isn’t it astounding how you can look back on the person you were just two short years ago and wonder how you thought it was all the most important stuff in the world, and yet now you look at that adorable little Bear of yours and can’t ever imagine anything ever being even remotely close to how important he is?! I’m in awe of your honesty in this post!! #StayClassyMama

    1. YES EXACTLY, I couldn’t even imagine what my life would be like without him, or who I would be, AND all of those things I used to worry about (wtf was I worrying about???). Thanks for commenting!

  7. Thanks for sharing. Becoming a mum is a scary thing!! I’ve always wanted to be a mum and waited a long time for it, I was 38 when I became a mum for the first time. But I still cried when I fell pregnant because it came out of the blue, when I wasn’t quite ready. My boy is now 14 months old, it’s hard work, but I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂

  8. Aw, I can only imagine how you were feeling… my third pregnancy was like for me… I already had two kids (under 4!) and felt so overwhelmed I just could not imagine another being dependent upon me. But it all turned out so great and looking back it was the best “accident” ever.

    1. I always wanted three kids so thank you for sharing, makes me feel positive about this! : ) (can completely understand though how hard that must have been, I think in general it’s hard when it’s unplanned…well to be fair it’s hard when it’s planned too! haha)

  9. Wow… so amazing that you have shared this story… its so incredible how that small little plastic stick can churn out emotions we never thought possible! Saying that… I can’t wait for stick peeing on take two <3 #stayclassymama

  10. My Ethan was also an accident, but he was a good accident – and I wouldn’t change it for the world. xx Thank you for sharing your wonderful post with us on #FabFridayPost It is always a pleasure having you here with us. xx

  11. This reminds me of when I did 4 pregnancy tests – first time around, I was 24 and had been in a relationship since I was 16 – so I don’t know why I was so worried _ I thought my Mum would tell my off. I wandered into my office late as I’d been to the doctors and just blurted out I’m having a baby….. Best thing I ever did!
    Sarah #FabFridayPost

    1. Aw love your story! That must have felt nice being able to blurt it out in your office, I wish I had done that…next time! : )

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