This holiday season has been a boozefest. The British love a good Christmas party, or five!
My mouth has tasted the finest wines and the dirtiest jaeger bombs this December and my body has paid for it big time. Wrinkles galore. The next morning it looks like I have fallen out of a Walking Dead episode.
My eyes are dry, my head is banging and I can’t quite figure out how to answer a text message because my brain is literally not functioning.
….and then……I hear a small whimper from the other room and with a rush of adrenaline I realise, “oh shit I am a mom!”
I am a mom with a hangover. This is the worst possible parenting mistake ever…..actually throwing a baby off Niagra falls is probably the worst parenting mistake ever, but this definitely has to be the second.
I roll myself out of bed and run into my son’s bedroom to make sure he isn’t stuck between the crib bars or suffocated under a Mickey mouse blanket. Nope. He’s sitting there, looking like an angel, blue eyes blazing at me.
“Mom, look how sweet I am, pick me up and play with me.” But the hangover rolls deep within my stomach and fills me with dread. I have to take care of this baby and be hungover. #REALfirstworldproblems
So this New Year’s I thought it would be helpful to give you some personal tips on how to ease a hangover.
1. New years is an anti-climax, don’t go out.
2. Alternate between two paracetamol and baby cuddles every two hours for optimal pain relief.
(look how happy this woman looks, works like a charm)
3. Make your drunk self look after your sober self, drink one glass of water for each drink you have.
4. Watch cute Kitten videos on Youtube.
5. Make sure you have your mom over the next day to watch your child. You want your baby there to give him hugs but you also want your mom there to ensure you don’t have to deal with him when he’s screaming for milk.
6. Turn off your phone. You don’t want to see those embarrassing photos from last night on Facebook of you dancing on a table and throwing up into a sparkly NYE hat……also, you won’t want to answer any text messages. Meet will be spelled meat WITHOUT autocorrect, and don’t get me started on they’re, there or their, you are just that stupid right now.
7. Order pizza right when you wake up. You don’t want to be waiting around crying because you are THAT hungry you are going to die.
8. Drink water every hour, take little sips (if you gulp it down, you will wee it all out thus reversing any of the hydrating benefits). You don’t want to have a breakthrough headache, especially when the trifecta hits: baby crying, hunger pains, migraine headache.
9. Make sure your boyfriend (or a loved one) is around to hug you whenever you want, but also gives you the distance you need in order to binge on Grey’s Anatomy all day.
10. Have a bloody Mary around 1pm to avoid the devastating afternoon breakdown where all the alcohol has left your body and you are in a state.
11. Do NOT by any circumstance change a diaper.
12. Do not go window shopping at any dog shelters. You will buy one.
13. Do not put on the Santa outfit again in the hope that you will feel more merry. You will only feel fat and not merry.