An Apology Letter to Myself

Dear myself, 

This is going to be difficult. You have been shoving your feelings so far down into the gut of your stomach that they may just plop out of you and leave a note that says, “give yourself a break okay?”

Your morning routine has become a blurry Jackson Pollock painting, the first hour of your day doesn’t even exist. The bus stop, the steaming hot black coffee, the big train seat and dim light beaming from your HP laptop, the lift up into the real world and the second-hand smoke as you pass grey City looking men and women. Soft blonde hair wraps slowly around your finger. Did you even say Hello to your colleague? 

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I can’t even get the words out. I’m spinning around and around on this grey wheel of hope.

I am sorry. 

I’m sorry for being so hard on you. If I were a true friend I would tell you that “you can do it,”

that “you are smart and capable and you are doing a really good job,”

that “you are a good mom and Bear loves you very much,”

that “even though you can only have one or two good conversations a week with your partner, that  that is enough, you are a good girlfriend,”

that “it is okay to take a break sometimes.”

I’m sorry that I have not given you the time to think. I’m sorry I have to constantly fill your mind with Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, email after email, PowerPoint presentations, WordPress, WhatsApp, the constant checking and re-checking and overload of information. 

Sometimes I feel like you don’t want me. Your blue haze takes over and you start spiralling down the Rabbit hole. I can help you if you just listen carefully, I am there.

When your heart becomes giddy and the corners of your mouth turn ever-so-slightly up and your brain smiles. That is you.

Whatever makes you You, hold onto it. 

Let go of your anxious thoughts because they’re not real. They are just anxious thoughts, like good ones, they pass on by. They do not determine who You are. All of your thoughts are not you. 

You get to decide what thoughts make you You. 

So stop overthinking. Have the thought, and let it pass. Do not let the external world mute your internal world with overwhelming amounts of information, both mental and physical. Reduce the noise and see from the inside out. 

Go inside yourself, although it is messy, I’m sure you will find the answer to the question.

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