I was so tired. My eyes felt like they were falling out of my head. I looked down at my newborn son and I couldn’t feel it.
All I could feel was anger and sadness. Any ounce of love or fun was sucked out of me at his birth. My whole body felt heavy and I was trapped.
Nobody told me I would hate being a mother, and equally nobody told me how to deal with feelings like this.
My partner came home from work and I quickly handed him the baby, as if he was an old piece of fruit I wanted to get rid of,
“I’m taking a bath.”
“Oh Hi Meg! Nice to see you too!”[Silence]
I turn the bath on and sit on the toilet, hiding in the dark on the verge of tears. I thought to myself, “This is not what I had planned. This is not what I wanted.” I kept repeating this over and over in my head until I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to do something about this.
There were some days I felt numb and some days I felt normal. The most scary thing to me was that I had no support. It was too hard to talk to my boyfriend, how could he understand? I didn’t feel comfortable talking to my friends as I thought they would judge me (…and they didn’t have children, so how could they understand?). I couldn’t even talk to my mom for fear of exile or being brought to (another) therapist.
The days were long, and I struggled to find a way out. I mostly shoved my feelings down and ignored them….until I found blogging. Writing my thoughts and feelings down was not only therapeutic but also a great way to find other mums who were going through the same thing. I quickly found like-minded mums and felt I was apart of a community. This was it! I had people I could speak to freely, without fear of judgement or confused looks, and that in itself made me feel free.
It’s now a year later and I am very happy. I love my son and I am finally proud to be a mother (although there are some days I am not so proud, and would rather get underneath my bed sheets and sleep).
But knowing that there must be other mums out there feeling this way made me want to do something!
So in an effort to help new mums out there I’m VERY EXCITED to tell you that I’m launching an online hub for new mums called Happy New Mum.
I’m calling this the mumolution because this is a place where mums unite and become something new, something better, through community and support.
This hub will house all things new mum; pregnancy, post-birth, breastfeeding, work-life balance, and more.
With Happy New Mum I hope one day a new mum, just like me, stumbles upon this and finds a community that will be there for her with advice and a virtual hug (maybe even a real one!).
So if you would like to help new mums and be apart of the mumolution, come join us and share your story! We would love to have you!
Please comment on the Facebook post (..and like our page if you feel so inclined ; )…)