Masturbate or Die

As the weekend approaches and many of you Mums are gearing up for a passionate night of …….sleeping, I thought I’d discuss a fairly relevant topic. Masturbation.

Due to a baby coming out of my body, I have not been able to have sex for the past 7 weeks. That is some sort of record in my book. Do you know what this does to a woman? I feel like Barbie. There is nothing going on ‘down there’ or ‘up there’ in my brain. I’m all virgin-like again. What is a penis? On top of not being able to have sex, I have been extremely exhausted and down right dirty. Not in a good way. I only shower every three to four days now. YUP. I am the smelly girl in class .

Luckily, I don’t have to leave the house unless I need to buy some more diapers or breast pads. How can I get out of this depressing mess?

Well, helloooo Clitoris. I’m sorry I forgot about you. Its just all those hormones and painful memories of my son coming out of your close neighbour, vagina, have prevented me from feeling anything sexual at all. But I am back and excited to meet you again. You have one job and one job only. Pleasure. You are my favourite organ. #myclitiswinning

Before you click away from this slightly taboo subject, there is actually a medical need for orgasms (I’ve done my research).   When you have an orgasm, a large amount of oxytocin is released. While this hormone is not essential for conception, it is needed to regulate hormone levels impaired by stress. Without oxytocin, you are more likely to have increased stress levels, obesity, psychotic behaviour and breast-cancer, as well as diminished cognitive functions.  stress Playing with yourself makes you happy, even on those dark days! And it’s FREE! 

Oxytocin de-stress by regulating prolactin levels. Stress increases ACTH- and prolactin release. 

cancer  Oxytocin regulates prolactin levels. Stress increases prolactin release and excessive prolactin can enhance breast cancer, brain tumors and leukaemia.

bacteria It kills off those nasties! Oxytocin is a natural antibiotic, attacking hostile bacteria.

obesity Touching yourself prevents you from getting fat! Oxytocin inhibits appetite to prevent obesity.

behavior You don’t go cray! Oxytocin is anti-psychotic; oxytocin plays an important role in the regulation of normal cognitive functions and behaviors, which are disturbed in schizophrenia. Some forms of obsessive-compulsive disorder are also related to oxytocin dysfunction.

memory You’ll remember where you put the keys! Oxytocin plays a key role in meltdown of prior learning in preparation for new learning, like new books in a library have to be catalogued and shelved. **references at the bottom Basically, you need to masterbate or you’ll go off your rocker. And surprise, surprise, orgasms are not always obtained through sexual intercourse. This can be done all by your lonesome self (…are you really lonely though when you’re having such a good time?!)

Top ways to enhance your orgasm

  1. Sexual fantasies increase oxytocin release the most so start playing!
  2. Doggy-style. Oh em gee, am I saying you should have sex like a dog? Yes, yes, I am. The shape of the penis is exactly and equally banana-shaped as the vagina, but only if the woman is penetrated from behind (it’s just science). And that way you can touch the clitoris while being penetrated. Yay!
  3. Man on top. According to Women’s Health, a man is on top should scoot up a couple inches so the base of the penis is directly aligned with the woman’s clitoris. This should be followed by a rocking motion while the woman wraps her legs tightly around the man’s thighs.
  4. Pelvic floor exercises. “The orgasm is an intense contraction, and a stronger pelvic floor can definitely intensify that and even make it easier to have G-spot orgasms. This is because you are creating greater tension around the G-spot and around him [the man’s penis],” said sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman, according to The Huffington Post.
  5. Partner goes down on you. ‘Nough said.

So there you have it. Masturbate or die.  

References **The Medical Need for Orgasm in Woman.

 
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38 thoughts on “Masturbate or Die

  1. LOL love this post! Been super stressed and feeling the winter blues, now I know the perfect cure and come on who does love ever excuse to get some action. Thanks for sharing #bestandworst

  2. Haha!! I couldn’t not read this post after I’d seen the title!! Good for you for such an honest post about such a taboo subject! And writing it so well and making it so entertaining! I think #myclitiswinning should definitely be trending on Twitter!
    Thanks to this evidence based research, I really need to start looking after myself again, after 3 years with very little action!
    #bestandworst

  3. Ha brilliant you totally had me at the title! There really is no pondering about that one is there? Thanks so much for linking this up to #coolmumclub totally made me chuckle and nod in agreement! x

  4. This has been a hot topic amongst my friends lately with a couple of friends newly single and not wanting to pick up random men to be satisfied. Let’s face it, it is much safer that way! Hubby is doing a fab job for me, so all good. Great post! #fabfridaypost

  5. Too Funny! When I was pregnant a million years ago, I didn’t want sex at all. It can be different for everyone. It is so great that something that feels good is good for you.

  6. Hahaha, #myclitiswinning !! I’m 3 months pregnant and think I need to show this to my husband, it only took 2 months of trying to get knocked up so the fun of doing it all the time to make a baby didn’t last long!!will tell him I need oxytocin or I’ll go crazy ha xx #PassTheSauce

  7. Well goodness me, I am actually contributing to my good health by masturbating so much. Do you think the oxytocin counter-acts the negative effects of wine, caffeine and too little sleep? Pen x #passthesauce

  8. No way, the more masterbation the merrier! I think combining wine and caffeine to the daily routine heightens oxytocin to the highest level you can receive, and therefore makes the combination necessary. ; )

  9. Blimey, well this isn’t a breastfeeding or potty training post is it?! I’m not great at commenting on Arts and Crafts posts so I guess I ought to know what to say here lol. I did laugh at the 7-week mention. I wonder what couples who’ve been married for decades think of that one lol. Thanks for linking to #passthesauce

  10. What’s that word? Sorry I have never heard of it nor do I have any idea what you are saying whatsoever and I will have to report you to the Society of clitpleasureisnotreal! Bad girl, you! **Agent laughs hysterically in the background and thinks of framing this up on bedroom wall**

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