As the weekend approaches and many of you Mums are gearing up for a passionate night of …….sleeping, I thought I’d discuss a fairly relevant topic. Masterbation.
Due to a baby coming out of my body, I have not been able to have sex for the past 7 weeks. That is some sort of record in my book. Do you know what this does to a woman? I feel like Barbie. There is nothing going on ‘down there’ or ‘up there’ in my brain. I’m all virgin-like again. What is a penis? On top of not being able to have sex, I have been extremely exhausted and down right dirty. Not in a good way. I only shower every three to four days now. YUP. I am the smelly girl in class .
Luckily, I don’t have to leave the house unless I need to buy some more diapers or breast pads. How can I get out of this depressing mess?
Well, helloooo Clitoris. I’m sorry I forgot about you. Its just all those hormones and painful memories of my son coming out of your close neighbour, vagina, have prevented me from feeling anything sexual at all. But I am back and excited to meet you again. You have one job and one job only. Pleasure. You are my favourite organ. #myclitiswinning
Before you click away from this slightly taboo subject, there is actually a medical need for orgasms (I’ve done my research). When you have an orgasm, a large amount of oxytocin is released. While this hormone is not essential for conception, it is needed to regulate hormone levels impaired by stress. Without oxytocin, you are more likely to have increased stress levels, obesity, psychotic behaviour and breast-cancer, as well as diminished cognitive functions. stress Playing with yourself makes you happy, even on those dark days! And it’s FREE!
Oxytocin de-stress by regulating prolactin levels. Stress increases ACTH- and prolactin release.
cancer Oxytocin regulates prolactin levels. Stress increases prolactin release and excessive prolactin can enhance breast cancer, brain tumors and leukaemia.
bacteria It kills off those nasties! Oxytocin is a natural antibiotic, attacking hostile bacteria.
obesity Touching yourself prevents you from getting fat! Oxytocin inhibits appetite to prevent obesity.
behavior You don’t go cray! Oxytocin is anti-psychotic; oxytocin plays an important role in the regulation of normal cognitive functions and behaviors, which are disturbed in schizophrenia. Some forms of obsessive-compulsive disorder are also related to oxytocin dysfunction.
memory You’ll remember where you put the keys! Oxytocin plays a key role in meltdown of prior learning in preparation for new learning, like new books in a library have to be catalogued and shelved. **references at the bottom Basically, you need to masterbate or you’ll go off your rocker. And surprise, surprise, orgasms are not always obtained through sexual intercourse. This can be done all by your lonesome self (…are you really lonely though when you’re having such a good time?!)
Top ways to enhance your orgasm
- Sexual fantasies increase oxytocin release the most so start playing!
- Doggy-style. Oh em gee, am I saying you should have sex like a dog? Yes, yes, I am. The shape of the penis is exactly and equally banana-shaped as the vagina, but only if the woman is penetrated from behind (it’s just science). And that way you can touch the clitoris while being penetrated. Yay!
- Man on top. According to Women’s Health, a man is on top should scoot up a couple inches so the base of the penis is directly aligned with the woman’s clitoris. This should be followed by a rocking motion while the woman wraps her legs tightly around the man’s thighs.
- Pelvic floor exercises. “The orgasm is an intense contraction, and a stronger pelvic floor can definitely intensify that and even make it easier to have G-spot orgasms. This is because you are creating greater tension around the G-spot and around him [the man’s penis],” said sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman, according to The Huffington Post.
- Partner goes down on you. ‘Nough said.
So there you have it. Masterbate or die.
References **The Medical Need for Orgasm in Woman.