My Truth: Becoming a Mother

For the past 8 weeks I’ve been trying to piece this new Mum life together in my head like a mystery waiting to be solved.

It’s been tough, and to be honest, there have been times where I thought I don’t want this. My emotions and ideas about being a Mum are all over the place. I’m in denial and I can’t let go of my former self.

I don’t know which way is up and sometimes I feel normal again and other times I feel like there has been a zombie apocalypse and my son and I are the only ones left, barely standing. One leg hanging and milk leaking from my tits.

Transitioning into motherhood has been surreal. I am “me” but I am not “me” both physically and mentally.

Physically, my body is not my body anymore. I will never really have my body again. It will always be a body that once had another life inside of it. Another heart beating inside of it. Another brain with electricity pulsing through it. Another set of lungs hiccuping in it. Another body squirming around, making me smile in hope and fear. So while flesh wounds are healing, the wound on my pschye is still very raw.

Everything is grey. I should be listening to my instincts but for some reason it’s hard to trust them. My brain is in mini battles throughout the day. Google is torture. But I need to let go and listen to my heart.

I realise I have entered a new world internally. I did not expect this. I am caught in disbelief and shock and fear of the fragile life I carry in my arms every morning. The life I created. I still can’t really grasp this thought. While I can obviously see the extra fat on my body, the “linea negra” going down my belly and my much bigger breasts, I am in denial and still believe that I can be the person who I used to be. The person that put so much thought on weekend plans. The person that prioritised going to a party with friends over spending time at home. The person that thought life would never happen unless a plan was made for it to happen. Well, life fucking happens. Crying. Laughing. Wondering. Yelling. Absorbing. All at once.

But in life, well, in my new life, I’ve found there are a thousand different paths I can take. And it starts from birth.

Give the baby a Vitamin K shot. Give the baby Vitamin K orally.
Wait to cut the cord. Rushed delivery, don’t wait to cut the cord.
Skin to skin after delivery. Wrap the baby up.
Circumsise. Don’t cicumsise.
Hepitisis B Vaccine. Don’t give him a Hepatitis B Vaccine.
When to bathe the baby. 1 week. 3 days. 1 day. 2 weeks.
Eco-friendly diapers. Cloth diapers. The cheap diapers.
Sleep the baby on his back. Sleep the baby on his stomach. Sleep the baby on his side.
Don’t use a dummy. Use a dummy.
Breastfeed. Formula feed.
Crying it out method. Soothe baby to sleep.
Putting him on a parent led routine. Baby led routine. Parent and baby led routine.
Co-sleeping. Put baby in cot right away.
Going back to work at 6 months. Going back to work now.
Start weaning at 4 months or 6 months.

And of course, it doesn’t stop there. But it’s all good. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

While I was pregnant I kept telling everyone that I was so excited to have the baby so I could be “myself” again. But that reality does not exist. I have to let that person go because my mentality has changed.

My inner thoughts are now “has the baby eaten enough” “how many hours has he slept” “what’s that red spot on his face?” What we’re my inner thoughts before I was pregnant? “Did I drink enough water today?” “I wonder who’s going to be at the party tonight?” “I need to lose 5 pounds before summer.” My inner dialogue now is the entrance to Alice’s wonderland. Never ending. Crazy. But fun. Unexpectedly awesome.

And since becoming a mother, I feel like I have gained additional emotions. It’s like in the film “Inside Out” when the little girl feels happiness and sadness for the first time and a new “ball” is created that combines both the colours yellow and blue. If there was a motherhood ball it would be all of the emotions you have ever felt mixed into one colourful ball plus new emotions like blurredom (when you are bored and extremely exhausted but the happiest person ever) and confettied out (when you are extremely scared but also feel like you have taken the best dose of ecstasy in the whole world).

I want to do everything. I want to be supermom. Continue to work, continue to study for my postgraduate degree, continue to breastfeed, continue to blog, continue to dance/workout, continue to party, continue keeping the house clean, continue being me, continue, continue. And I will. Because that’s just me.

Even though I know I am doing too much, I love it and I can’t stop. Maybe I’ll slow down with the second child? ; ) Becoming a mother has been THE hardest thing I have ever done. I knew it was going to be hard but I didn’t realise how hard. It’s not like studying for an exam, or climbing a mountain, or working until 11pm every night because of a major project at work, or being hungover, or running a marathon. It’s more like all of those things at the same time.

But then……… you get this little moment, this moment that could easily be misread as simply nothing…..your baby smiles at you for the first time. Everything else fades into the background and you are the happiest you have ever been in your life. These moments come and go like quicksand, but I will cherish them forever. So the truth is, I love being a Mum and I wouldn’t change it for the world.



 
 
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54 thoughts on “My Truth: Becoming a Mother

  1. The first couple of months of motherhood are so overwhelming aren’t they?! I felt the same about my body. Give it time, it’ll start to feel like yours again in a few months. Gosh, all your thoughts wore me out just reading them. But I remember feeling the same way. It is a whole new you and one you never could have prepared for. But you’ll adapt and soon enough your old self and your new self will merge and you’ll feel normal again. #bestandworst

  2. Haha, wow this takes me back a year or so! You know people say ALL the time that this stage goes so fast, just enjoy it, blah blah? It’s so true, I had completely forgotten that sensation of not recognising myself or my emotions, it all becomes a distant memory so quickly. Glad to hear that you are enjoying it so much, and good luck keeping up with all those bits of your ‘old’ life that you love as well 🙂

  3. What a great read, really love a lot of what you say and it describes motherhood and our crazy minds perfectly! – “My inner dialogue now is the entrance to Alice’s wonderland. Never ending. Crazy. But fun. Exciting. Unexpectedly awesome.” This should be a mummy meme, I’d love it on my wall!

  4. I loved reading this. So honest and so true. You get your emotions down on paper (well not paper but you k ow what I mean) so beautifully. My kids are 18, 4 and 2 and I still felt myself nodding along because I remember it well. I hope I don’t come across as patronising but it does get easier. After three kids I am finished having babies and it’s only now that my youngest is two that I am ‘finding myself again’. I hate that phrase because it’s such a cliché bit it’s true.

    #coolmumclub

  5. Becoming a mother is definitely overwhelming. I can’t tell you how many times I thought that I wasn’t up for the job in those early months, when my daughter was a colicky, sleepless and generally very angry baby. People kept telling me that it gets easier and I didn’t believe them – but it does. I’m still clueless about a lot of things and am still figuring a lot out, but I’m slowly getting there. #coolmumclub

  6. I am 6 months in and relate to everything you have written. It is so nice to know I am not alone in my thoughts, thank you for being so very honest. Being a mum is completely amazing but it is bloody hard to adapt to the new kind of me! #coolmumclub

  7. Completely relate to this, after five babies I feel as though I deserve some kind of trophy just for surviving this far! HA! I don’t think that anyone could ever understand how hard it is being a Mummy until they become one. And it never gets easier, the things you worry about just change! My eldest is almost 12 and I still worry about him constantly, it’s still hard work but I wouldn’t change it for the world! #fabfridaypost

  8. Haha I did get a beautiful diamond ring off my husband for Christmas, I might have a few more kids and see what I get next time!! It is hard though isn’t it, we are pretty amazing just to survive each day! High Five Mummy!! xxx

  9. You’re so right and you took me right back to those early days when I just felt in a whirlwind. You will find you again but yes, it’ll be a different you but hopefully a much more advanced version. I wouldn’t change the changed me for anything, and I’m still changing as the years go by and motherhood has to evolve.

  10. Oh lovely, It’s such early days. And those early days are such a crazy crazy whirlwind of emotions. I think we’ve all thought “I don’t want this anymore” especially with our first but it does get easier. Your right about not knowing what to do for the best from birth. It is all so contradicting. I say, do what you feel is best. Tell google to do one. You will never truly be the “old you” ever again and that takes some real adjusting but the “new you” is just a slightly altered version of you and you will love it. It’s lovely that you are being so honest. #coolmumclub

  11. I think we’d all be liars if we said we felt differently to what you have just described. Having a baby is the biggest most life-changing experience ever! Over time you become used to your new self and extra wobbly bits – and the fact that you are responsible for this tiny human. Thanks for linking up to #FabFridayPost

  12. You and I both are trying to figure out what this new parent thing is and I just had my fourth. Simply put, you don’t figure it out. You simply go along with whatever the baby says. Your body will do it whether you mentally decide to or not. I have been in disbelief about my body since 2009 and I have morphed into all types of shapes. Haha! I just want to look good for once and feel comfortable in some clothes that give me confidence but because I breastfeed I am constantly eating every house on the block. Us mamas, do not and will not catch a break. Except for nap time, when they actually lay down and sleep in sync. But I love my babies and I would give my life if I had to. We are moms, it is what we do. Welcome to motherhood! #FabFridayPost

  13. Haha and then when it comes to sleep time, I’m wide awake!

    I’m breastfeeding too, every time I go to the grocery store I pick up cookies and brownies without fail. I’m addicted. I think I need the sugar to stay alive. But like you, I’m loving it despite all the craziness!

  14. Yes parenthood is crazy but you look down at those little eyes and there’s so much love. So you gain wait and have cracked nipples just because you love them.

  15. Such a true post ! I remember feeling all of that and more. I think the scariest feeling was this was it….for a long time. I had to look after this little girl and sleep when I could!!! But it is worth it, all the smiles, cuddles and love yous. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst and good luck! x

  16. Wow! Superbly written. I feel like I’m on the rush hour train reading from one line to the other. I just can’t stop. And motherhood is exactly how you have described it. Amazing! Thank you so much for linking with us on #FabFridayPost. Xx

  17. You did such a wonderful job capturing the restless mind of a mom. And honestly, that will never stop. But god, those first few months are so incredibly overwhelming. My boy just turned 1 last month and I looked at him as I was nursing him today, and got caught in a moment of disbelief. It still overwhelms me to think he’s mine.
    I think that finally, after the first year, I’m starting to get accustomed to my new normal, and it is wonderful (: #StayClassy

  18. I love this so much. It’s exactly right and you have expressed it perfectly. Confettied out is my new favourite phrase!! I think pregnancy and motherhood really do show you the entire spectrum of feelings. #StayClassy

  19. I am just so grateful for blogging and being able to share how I feel with other grown-ups. I totally get the blurredom thing. Thanks for writing and sharing. Keep it coming and keep sane.
    #StayClassy #coolmumclub

  20. I feel exactly like this, 2 weeks in! I don’t think I realized how pregnancy is actually the start of the life changes, there’s no revisiting your previous life once you get past 6 months pregnant. Everything has changed but it’s exciting to see how the adventure will turn out!

  21. Oh I love how you have written this. You have really captured those feelings of just being overwhelmed and also in awe so beautifully. It’s an exciting time and like you say I think it really changes you as a person and gives you emotions that you didn’t realise you had! 🙂 #stayclassy

  22. This is such an honest post. I remember thinking all of the exact same things you have written about here. Those first few weeks are SO unbelievably tough. You’re looking after a baby, who you’re still getting to know, whilst also recovering from labour and pregnancy and allowing your mind to catch up with your body and vice versa. I lived on my nerves (excessively) for the first 3 weeks. I’ve never known anything like it. #stayclassy

  23. Brilliantly written. Like you I was also hugely overwhelmed when I had my baby. It changes you but as you say it is also amazing. It makes you so happy. Take it all a day at a time and be gentle on yourself xx #StayClassy

  24. It really does take me back reading this. I was so overwhelmed as a new mum, as was my hubby, we felt like we had been taken and dropped into a really weird and exhausting, not to mention totally confusing world! It got easier for us, newborns are hard, and I know I hear a lot of people say wait until their teenagers (which we haven’t got to yet), but the ages they are now is awesome, 6, 9 and 11. Watching them develop their own personalities and gain independence yet still need us is just lovely. There will be some really tough days, but most days will be so wonderful you never knew days could be so good. #stayclassy

  25. You have put the new motherhood experience in to words so well. But as others have said, it will soon be a distant memory. It completely changes everything doesn’t it? – And on SO many levels. And it’s something that is hard to explain or convey, so you only really find out once it’s happened and the journey has begun! I found it terrifying and awesome in equal measure. But make time to do things that remind you of who ‘you’ are. It’ll keep you sane xx Sarah and Louise #Stayclassy

  26. I love this, brilliantly written and I found myself nodding along. I think motherhood comes as a shock to all of us, no matter how prepared you think you are, you really can never understand the overwhelming feeling once you bring that baby home!! I was 23 when I had my eldest and he was the first baby I had ever held, I couldn’t believe they were allowing me to take him home and care for him when I wasn’t even sure how to care for myself! #stayclassy

  27. Haha exactly how I felt! When they said it was time for my partner to go home, I kind of looked at the midwife like she was crazy for leaving this baby with me!

  28. Ah they sound like the perfect age! I can’t wait until he’s older, but for now I’m going to try and enjoy those moments that are happy (despite my tiredness), it has been getting easier though now that he’s almost 4 months!

  29. I hope everything is going well! I saw on your blog post you’ve already been out and about which is SO good! Staying couped up in the house can get to you. Congratulations and wishing you well these next few weeks! My little one is almost 4 months now, smiling and all, it’s so great and it gets much better/easier, you have much to look forward to. : )

  30. I can imagine it probably takes a while to finally look at him and be like yes he’s my son and not,”where did this baby come from?!” (which I’m still feeling!) it’s getting easier now though, he’s almost 4 months, can’t wait until he starts crawling/walking (kind of..) haha

  31. That was the hardest adjustment for my husband and I – to be totally free to do whatever we wanted, go out whenever we felt and then realize that none of that could happen anymore. Everything has to be planned out to have time together, to have me time and you’re always on a schedule. A sleep/feeding schedule, day care schedule – it’s exhausting. But I totally agree – it’s worth it and I wouldn’t change it! Great post as always Meagan. #StayClassy

  32. I absolutely love this. I know exactly how you feel- your body is now no longer your own to reclaim, emotions spilling out of your ears, everything is just that much more intense (I think this is in part to sleep deprivation!) It’s like we’re going through an upgrade, a 2.0 version of ourselves is being created somewhere #statclassy

  33. Ah perfectly said! A 2.0 upgrade haha! We have to go through this small (not really small) struggle to become this much better, more mature, more caring, more aware, focused, patient, confident person that is able to stand on their two feet and say, “yes this is me now, and I fucking love it.” Thanks for linking up!

  34. Oh god the schedules! I know. Sadly my partner and I never go out together anymore, either I go out and he’s looking after little one or he goes out and I’m at home. Maybe this will change later but babysitters are expensive now!

  35. I’ve been in this place and it can be so disorientating. I felt it with my second baby too; I didn’t know how to adjust, felt like I’d only just coped with one child to care for and now here was another! It IS amazing, it is lovely and there are so many moments that make you think “WOW. I MADE you! I am awesome!” But there are middle-of-the-night-tired-as-fuck moments when you realise you never actually had a clue what tired was before becoming a parent too. It’s one helluva a ride! X

  36. This post is absolutely BRILLIANT. You’ve completely captured the insanity of that new mum feeling – that overwhelming emotional rollercoaster that isn’t discussed often enough. THANK YOU XXX #stayclassy

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