My Version of “Knocked Up”

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

This was very unplanned, as unplanned as that time when Princess Beatrice cut open Ed Sheeran’s face with a sword while pretending to knight James Blunt as a party in her dad’s home in Windsor (yes, this actually happened)

In my heart of hearts I wasn’t ready. I was still running around all freshman-year-of-college-like doing Jagerbomb Thursdays, sexting my boyfriend, thinking I’m hot shit in my ‘advertising agency boots’ ordering interns to GET ME SOME COFFE (okay, there weren’t really interns, but we did have tea rounds where I would politely ask a colleague to get me a coffee with one sugar). SO, when I found out I was pregnant with my year-long boyfriend (…mmm actually 10 months long) I cried. I cried and cried, and cried some more. Not the reaction you want, really. Torn between a white picket fence and an east London warehouse party. I had to make sure this was real.

preggo test

YUP.

Oh, what is a girl to do?

I turned to God. He was like, “Girl, you can’t have a baby out of wed lock, watchu thinkin?” Side note: in my mind God is super fantabulous and camp.

I turned to my Mom, “WHAT?! How did this happen? Are you sure you’re ready? Are you truly in love? You probably should be married first? Oh my god, you should have him. No. You shouldn’t. Yes. You should. No. Wait. If it’s boy, can we name him Prince Harry?”

I turned to my friends, “What about your career? This is a really big decision. What about Jagerbomb Thursdays? “

I turned to my boyfriend, “Meagan, I am with you whatever you decide, I love you very, very much.”

So no help there. The next day I went to a beer pong party with my partner to take my mind off of the whole decision (yes, beer pong, the drinking game you play in college and yes, I am almost 30).

beer pong photo

I didn’t drink. First step to becoming a real adult.  

There was much debate, thousands of pros and cons lists, financial spreadsheets in excel, and probably too much practical thought. I looked my partner in the eye and said, “Deep down I want this but my excel spreadsheet is telling me otherwise.”

At one point I Googled, “how do you know when you’re ready to be a mother?” As if Google was going to tell me when I was ready to be a mum. Ha! I did take a few of those parenting quizzes though….they told me I would be an ‘okay‘ mum.

Screen Shot 2016-03-30 at 13.48.14

I even remember looking up how many times a baby poops in a day. You know, so I can really understand how tough it was going to be (like the poo was going to be the worst part of having a baby!) I tried to calculate how much a baby costs per month.

Just going through my Google Docs now, it’s titled “Baby Money,” I calculated £427 exactly (not sure how I got to that). I created an enormous spreadsheet with various living options. How much would it cost if we lived in our current flat? How much would it cost if we lived with my partner’s parents? How much would it cost if we moved further out of the city? How much would it cost if we lived in the city but not central? And then, how much would it cost before and after maternity leave for each of those situations.

I was getting desperate. The last thing I tried was meditation. I wanted to find my ‘chi’ so that I could meditate myself into a state of nothingness and the answer would come.

Nope, didn’t work.

On Tuesday of that week, I was offered a position at another company, a dream job really. Then on Friday, I received a letter in the mail announcing that I had been accepted into a postgraduate course. But these good fortunes were tainted with pink and blue nursery paint. I was so overwhelmed.

I remember sitting in silence in our living room. This feeling lingered in the room, like that moment before you go on stage. Nervous, sweaty, excited. The smell was like raspberries and lemonade, sweet with a sour punch. A flood of emotions.

But we were so still. I didn’t want to move or else I would break the glass bubble I was sitting in. A bubble so carefully designed, each piece thoughtfully placed to protect me from any real emotion. To protect me from ever having to make a real decision. To protect me from ever having to become an actual adult.

And then, this wave of clarity and dizziness. I stood up. Walked over to my partner and said very softly, “I think we should have the baby. Fuck everything else.”

In that moment washed away were any negative thoughts. I followed my heart. All of that research and excel-mania was a waste of time. Marriage can wait. I mean, who am I kidding? I just want to get married for the bachelorette party. Vegas anyone?

This decision was not easy but in my gut I knew what I was going to do. My head had to catch up with my heart. The whole process taught me to truly listen to my instincts. I never did this in the past. This was my first step to becoming a mother because being a mother is listening to your gut. Seriously the baby books are a load of shite. 

To announce the pregnancy, my partner and I created this video using DubMash (lip syncing with movies or songs) and shared it on Facebook (hence the Knocked Up theme):

Look, we can still play beer pong…. beer pong daddy

 

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86 thoughts on “My Version of “Knocked Up”

  1. Yaaaay, love a bit of beer pong and yes I agree those baby books are a big pile of baby poop! Waste of time, don’t help one bit. I must have read a whole library load before my first arrived and they just confused me even more!!! I think your post kind of sums all the emotions we go through when we find out we are expecting, then there is that realisation that isn’t ever a ‘right’ time and we just learn to roll with it 🙂 #stayclassy

  2. Love the pregnancy announcement! I agree that listening to your gut is so important – I actually avoided baby books when I was pregnant because they freaked me out, but I did consult them (and the dreaded Google) once I’d had my baby. I think I stressed out a lot over things (especially sleep) because of what books/sites said I should be doing (sleep training), when it didn’t feel right to me and didn’t work for our baby. I would have been better off trusting my instincts. #StayClassy

  3. Love this! I think sometimes the most unplanned things end up being the most fun, and that includes having a baby! #StayClassy

  4. Ha – great video. I also swear a lot (would like to say it’s stopped with having children but … well, it hasn’t). And the ‘good things’ always seem to come along when you’re suddenly up the duff. Hilarious and you and your partner look experts in parenting from the photos (beer pong = games. Children LOVE games!) so I don’t think you needed to worry! Thanks for hosting – am loving this linky! #stayclassy

  5. Aaah I love this! The confusion, the quizzes, the excel spreadsheets (were you right? Is it £427 a month!?)…so well written, I was right there with you as I was reading it. I can’t find the video though…might not be loading on my internet (which is rubbish). I’ll check back when I’ve moved rooms. And, yes, I wholeheartedly agree with your baby book point…baby books and baby experts can be (not all) so manipulative. I mean if we all went around trusting our instincts, they’d be pretty fast our of a job wouldn’t they!? Wish I’d figured that out as soon as you had! Thanks for hosting #stayclassy

  6. Can totally relate to this as I found out I was pregnant with my college sweetheart at 18!!! Babies have a way of appearing and changing the game don’t they! Loving your blog and your sense of humour. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry right? #stayclassy

  7. I literally forgot everything I read in those books. I want my £20 back damn it! Actually the one thing I remember was about the baby putting the whole mouth around the nipple when breastfeeding….thx for linking up!

  8. Totally. We have to laugh about it because otherwise life wouldn’t be as much fun. I’m all about fun times and trying to stay positive.

    I can’t even imagine being 18!! That must have been tough, but I think we all just adapt and it turns out for the better.

  9. My partner wants me to let everyone know that he’s had a shave since that picture haha whatever dude. Anyway, agree everything happens all at once! But isn’t it more fun that way??!

  10. Completely. We all have to be careful of Dr. Google. I self-diagnosed on googled the other day when I had a headache the other day and it turns out I’m a psychopath. Lols. Listening to our instincts is the way forward, maybe they should write a book about that??

  11. Love that, we just roll with it. But so true, there is never a right time to have a child. Even if I was older, farther along in my career or married I would have still felt the same way.

  12. LOVE this!! I always say that there is never a right time to have a baby! My husband and I fell pregnant just three months into our relationship and yet it just felt right, although we did go through a whole range of emotions to get to that point!! Thanks for hosting! #stayclassy

  13. What a great post! Loads of emotions to go with having kiddies, I love the way that you tackled yours and the humour in the post! I’ve enjoyed linking up with you this week and I’m pleased I’ve found your blog, love your writing style:)

    oh yeah #stayclassy:)

    Mainy – myrealfairy

  14. Wow!! Amazing post! I felt every ounce of your shock and trepidation. Sooooo well written!! I was just about to get married when I found out I was pregnant. I knew I wanted a baby sometime after we were married, but I wanted a year or two to ourselves. We had just sold out house, and were going to rent for a year in the ‘party’ quarter of the city, before buying the ‘forever home’ and thinking about having a baby. I know I should’ve felt blessed and all that, but all I could think of was the massive 3 week party we had planned in Miami for our honeymoon, that I would now be pregnant for. And living in our cool loft flat in the party quarter was shit when heavily pregnant…! So I went through a lot of the same emotions as you!!
    I love this, such a great piece, and you will be the coolest mum ever!!
    #StayClassy

  15. Miami and pregnant women are not a good mixture. Although I remember in the beginning of my pregnancy I would just pretend I was drunk. I realised fairly quickly all you have to do to pretend to be drunk is talk really loud and say random stuff like, “No, YOU THE MAN!”

    I’m sure you’re honeymoon was still amazing! Lots of Cuban food and potentially salsa dancing? And the magical life that came out of your body is worth it, EXACTLY how I was feeling and how I feel about it today. : )

  16. Thanks! And so happy you’ve linked up! : ) I’m sure even if I had planned to have a baby I would have felt the same emotions, I think all parents go through it!!

  17. I love the realism of this post! Many women are all mushy about finding out they are pregnant. we found out we were pregnant with our daughter just 5 months after losing our angel. We were not ready or happy to be pregnant However today we would not change a thing!.

  18. We also had a bin full of pregnancy tests each time!

    There’s never a right time to have a baby. I tried the calculations to this but when you have all those spreadsheets with it all worked out there’s part of you not reeling from shock looking around thinking “loads of other people do this, sure we’ll be fine”.

    Denial can be a beautiful thing.

    #stayclassy

  19. I went with my gut too. I wasn’t ready, we’d been together around the same amount of time with my partner as you had…it was a shock. It happened though and now I have a five and a half year old following me around. But I love her so it’s all good. #bigpinklink

  20. Haha nice story with a happy ending! Even though I was trying and hoping for ages I STILL had that ‘what the hell’ moment when I found out I was pregnant and had about that many tests just to make sure…

    PS I’ve never heard of beer pong. I obviously haven’t lived.

    #bigpinklink

  21. Oh my, i love this post and i love you for writing this post! I didn’t have an identical situation but my pregnancy was probably the biggest shock EVER (i was 4 months when i found out aha!). Luckily everything has turned out for the best and i have grown SO much as a person. It’s so true to follow your instincts and when you’re a mum you have to do this all the time. I still don’t feel like a proper adult sometimes even though i do the most adult-y things. I think everyone gets so caught up in when is the ‘right time’ to have a baby, but i think you just have to go with it and most of the time, everything works out alright anyway.

    I’ll probably sit here for another 10 minutes and read this all over again aha!

    Cydney
    x
    #bigpinklink

  22. Thanks so much! I was almost 3 months pregnant when I found out so I know how you feel (probably should have mentioned that I was under a lot of pressure to decide). I completely agree, I’ve become a much better person. While its probably not that visible, I can feel the change internally. So funny though because, like you’ve said, I still don’t totally feel like an adult, some of my friends are buying houses and I’m like, “wow you’re such an adult” meanwhile I have a child sitting on my lap haha!

  23. Haha you should try it out, it’s amaze. I’m sure everyone, even if it’s planned, has that moment because it’s insane once you realise you are growing a human being inside your body, like wtf.

  24. I have a t-shirt saying ‘Awesome Dad’ in Avengers style font. I try not to wear it as when I do I can guarantee it will be a nightmarishly tricky day.

    Lovely, lovely denial.

  25. I bet you’re totally awesome parents, you’re definitely going to be the fun ones.

    Did you call him Prince Harry?

    #bigpinklink

    Ps. I’ll second the baby book thing.

  26. Love this post!! My pregnancy wasn’t exactly planned either, I think I was almost 2 months pregnant when I realised that being THAT tired, something wasn’t right. My favourite bit was when you turned to God, that made me smile 🙂 I cried too, and then we realised there’s no perfect time! #bigpinklink

  27. Omg, I loved everything about this post! Especially the video. You tell the story so well. I had no idea you had this start to motherhood, I can’t imagine what a shock it must have been for you. Sounds like you were living quite the high life before you found out. The line about demanding coffee made me laugh a lot. I really really want to play sober beer pong with you sometime! Thanks for linking up with us again. #bigpinklink

  28. Thanks! Haha we can play water pong (which is what I did throughout my pregnancy)! I wish we had interns because I would have loved to boss them around, although I’m too nice to be that mean lol. Thanks so much for hosting #BigPinkLink!

  29. There really isn’t a perfect time, I would have felt the same 5 years later or 10 years later! I also was sooooooooo tired in the beginning, I did a Seinfeld moment and his underneath my desk at work for 5 minutes to sleep haha!

  30. Brilliant post and one I can empathise with only I was 17 and had just broken up with my boyfriend, it was a huge shock and obviously not something I would ever have planned but had it not been for that one mistake I wouldn’t have met my now husband or had my other 4 fabulous children. It was a steep leaning curve but a fantastically fun one too!

    Em xXx #StayClassy

  31. I love this, your honesty is so refreshing. It’s such a huge thing to become a parent I don’t think it should be taken lightly, but as you say it’s your instincts you really have to listen to- the rest can be worked out! I think mainly I am just glad other parents play beer pong – we did that when our baby was a month old and I wasn’t sure if we were just super irresponsible haha. #BloggerClubUK

    PS – sorry I missed #StayClassy last week I will try to be back this Friday!

  32. This post is absolutely brilliant – I love it! You’re an amazing writer, and I love your honesty! You’re right always follow your instinct it’s always right xx #BloggerClubUK

  33. Brilliant post out of the unexpected comes something very wonderful I still swear lol thanks for sharing

  34. I love your posts hun! So real and funny. I bet you were shitting yourself if not planned.I was and it was planned!! I’m so glad you listened to your gut as your little guy is gorgeous. Love the pic of your man with him at the end. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

  35. What an honest post. It’s all part of our awesomeness being able to deal with whatever comes our way, planned or not. Go you and loving the beer pong btw! #coolmumclub

  36. Love this post, so honest! I’m ashamed to say I’ve never played beer pong 🙁 so glad I’ve found your blog, it’s hilarious! Looking forward to reading more of your posts #coolmumclub

  37. Loved this post! So very truthful. Although our little girl was planned I still had a panic moment when I found I was expecting. I cannot imagine it not being planned… I probably would have fainted! Either way though, I am glad you found your way and made the best decision for your family, motherhood is no joke (and there is a lot of poop as you already suspected!) but overall its a joy! Thanks for writing such an honest post #BestandWorst

  38. Love this, so honest. I have never played beer pong, I feel like I’ve missed out on something big! I don’t think there’s ever a right time to have a baby and I totally spent most of my pregnancy googling stuff, don’t we all?fab post xx #coolmumclub

  39. Having a baby is probably the most scary thing ever even if you plan it and are married! Love this post and that you can still play beer pong 🙂 What a great read. x

  40. I bloody loved this post! So well-written and honest. And very entertaining (sorry!) I think following your heart is always the right thing to do in the end. I’ve had moments in my life where it all feels so still and silent because you know you’re about to make a major decision that’s going to rock your world…good for you! I so need to play beer pong again…#coolmumclub

  41. I love this post, not only because of your honesty, but the flat in which you write it! I did have a few giggles when I was reading it. It seems like you made the best decision 🙂 I am totally with you on overanalysing, spreadsheets and bank balance accounts, I would be exactly the same! 🙂 #BigPinkLink

  42. It’s so hard describing that moment because it was so surreal, and then later I kept reminding myself that yes I’m having a baby hahah (I didn’t actually look pregnant until about 6 months!). Thanks for commenting and reading!

  43. I’m sure every first time Mom goes through that WTF moment! It’s such a big change in your life how could we not be a little bit scared?! Yes the poop is ridiculous but not as bad as I thought (although he hasn’t started eating solids yet : / )

  44. What?! You have to try it out it’s so much fun…also check out flip cup, if that was a sport I swear I’d be in the flip cup olympics or something hahah (actually maybe not anymore I have no time for this since little one was born)!

  45. That must have been really hard, can’t even imagine what I would do at 17. I’m glad it has turned out for the best, so many children! How do you do it ?!

  46. Coffee and sheer determination! It was hard but I’d not change any of it, life is definitely what you make of it and even through all the hard times we just keep going!

  47. I was also extremely lucky that I met my husband during that pregnancy and even though we didn’t get together until after my son was born he was an amazing support, a lot of young mums don’t have that so I was very fortunate!!

  48. Brilliant post, bravo! Loved every word of it. I could feel the huge jumble of emotions and I had to giggle at parts, like the Spreadsheet and beer pong party LOL… #coolmumclub

  49. It’s so funny to look back on it now, but at the time I was pale faced lols. Definitely made the right decision and still play beer pong so screw whoever said Moms can’t have fun!! ; )

  50. This is a fantastically funny post and I really enjoyed reading it. My little one was planned, big time planned, but that doesn’t mean I was anywhere near ready. I am not sure that you can ever really be ready for motherhood. Even though Cygnet was planned, and I thought I had everything sorted, it became clear pretty damn quickly that not everything was sorted. I split up with Cygnet’s father within 5 months of Cygnet’s birth. So, my point is, however much you plan, sometimes you just can’t. A happy accident is by far the most sensible way to go. Pen x #coolmumclub

  51. I really enjoyed reading your story! I’m glad you went with your heart. I’m a big believer in following my gut instinct. That’s awesome you can still play beer pong – I haven’t played that in ages – used to love it tho! Thanks so much for sharing with us at #bloggerclubuk x

  52. I love your honesty telling this. I too had an unplanned pregnancy and much of what you talk about echoes my experiences too. Especially the Excel spreadsheet! It was the hardest decision I ever made but seven years on I’m very glad I made the decision I did. There is no “correct” way to live your life, sometimes you gotta just roll with it and hope for the best!

  53. I LOVE this post…10 months..mine was 3..whoopsie. Maybe I should have made a spreadsheet. I think I sat in that oh so well described bubble of emotion not quite knowing what I was doing until he was born and to my shock someone handed me a baby. I was like hello tiny thing with my bubba gump pout..still took me a few months for my brain to go, yes we think that was a good decision. Because I knew I was keeping him all along, I just did not process it!..love a bit of beer pong. #chucklemums

  54. Haha, we were coming up to our year anniversary when I found out I was 11 weeks preggers. I cried for ages as well – we were supposed to be young and fabulous and live in the city and…ah well. Thanks for linking! #chucklemums

  55. Looooove this. So much of what you wrote rang true to me, my first baby (who’s now 10) was very much unplanned at only 20 years old but I went with my heart and said “fuck what everyone else thinks” (I strangely remember being terrified to tell my nan!) Great post xx

  56. Hahahaha – you’re too funny! My husband and I had our first kid out of wedlock – total surprise – and we went through the same oh sh** moment. It all worked out and I wouldn’t change any of it.

  57. Thanks for sharing your story! And so excitin that Huffington Post picked it up . I especially loved how honest and real you were. Wish I could write like this.

    Always nice to hear others stories. I know I felt some of these things and we had been trying to get pregnant. Something about that positive test that can really freak you out.
    #TribalLove

  58. Ah, I know these feelings SO well! Like you, I knew in my heart, but had to convince my head. I had a pro/cons list of having a baby (Word, not Excel) based on in-depth Google research. I turned down my‘dream job’ a week after finding out I was pregnant and, to boost myself back up, I Googled ‘famous women who are good mums’ (to remind myself that I could have it ‘all’ ha!) Still don’t know if I made the right choice. Just kidding. Obviously I love my son. Most of the time 🙂

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