**Employers please see Resume/CV at the bottom Word to the non-parents: Maternity leave is NOT a holiday.

Pre-baby I honestly thought maternity leave would be a nice break from work. I knew that it was going to be hard, but on the flip side I thought…..I wouldn’t have any projects or deadlines, I wouldn’t have to deal with presentations or meetings, I could hang out in my pyjamas all day, I could do short weekend get-aways to different countries, you can totally do that with a baby right? WRONG. So, so, so, SO wrong.

The reason you are in pajamas all day is because you don’t even have ONE SECOND for yourself. Nothing is for yourself anymore. Gone are the days where you can freely get up from your desk, go into the kitchen, make a cup of coffee and have a chat with a colleague.

Work sounds like a holiday to me now. Meetings sound like Magic Mike strippers calling me onto their yacht. And managing a project sounds like being fed grapes whilst sipping on the most expensive glass of champagne in the world. I actually don’t even know how I am writing this post.

The baby has been sleeping for 20 minutes. I can hear the clock ticking until it strikes PLAY TIME and he starts crying and needs my FULL ATTENTION. Meanwhile I only slept for three hours last night. WHAT A JOB.  Parents do not get enough credit for having children. It is THE hardest job in the world but companies and employers don’t appreciate the skills that parents have. 

And especially for woman returning from maternity leave or from being a Stay-at-home Mum, they are considered a done and dusted vegetable head. But this is SO wrong. I still have all my skills prior to maternity leave PLUS more important life skills that can and will help me in the corporate world. So, to crack the illusion that maternity is some sort of holiday I have decided to include my qualifications and skills of being a Mum on my resume. Here it goes…


MEAGAN THE MUM

1 Parentville Road, Various City in England, RHW 3THH

meagansmumproject@gmail.com


I have a great deal of experience in media/advertising, client and baby servicing, emerging digital platforms and growing a human being. Currently I maintain a clear mind while a screaming baby is on my hip, develop and execute digital strategy across various products in the Corporate Jungle. Applications & Tools: Facebook, Twitter, Baby Swing, Breast-Pump, Natural Teat Bottle, Instagram, Pinterest, WordPress, Diaper Changing, DoubleClick, Flash Talking, MediaMind, Google Analytics, Comscore

Employment History & Key Achievements

Household Inc. – CEM, Chief Executive Mum (Jan 2016 – PRESENT)

  • Develop new Baby guidelines across the entire Household portfolio to keep colleagues focused, inspired and to further continuous development of Baby brand
  • Lead strategy and development of nighttime routine to increase conversion of sleeping hours
  • Maintain strong relationships with senior Mums and various Mum networks to better understand value of competitor Baby brands
  • Challenge colleagues to think about how Baby fits into the overall Household objectives and deliver a long term framework
  • With substantial feeding responsibility, significant milk growth was achieved whilst increasing Baby brand
  • Expert in social media and photography skills for Household portfolio
  • Consistently identify Baby needs by staying up to date on innovative solutions and advising on adoption of new technologies, ensuring that approaches are linked to objectives
  • Develop core skills for Baby brand with Tummy Time
  • Utilised Breast tools and manage internal milk supply to develop the Baby brand
  • Demonstrated a sound understanding of various Baby cries in order to report on development strategies, performance and potential damaged goods
  • Deliver on key performance indicators every day by entertaining Baby 24/7 with no breaks
  • Assist with troubleshooting discrepancies across Household portfolio
  • Capable of multi-tasking various Baby brand projects; Baby on Breast, researching Baby products, managing Baby clothes, developing Baby brain, heart, lungs, eyes, and body
  • Liaise with teams internally and recommend Baby optimisations and discuss requests to ensure efficient delivery of Baby brand
  • Helping Household business deliver our Baby brand vision globally
  • Integral part of the Baby team to manage a versatile ecosystem which includes;
    • Sleep; Rocking, Bouncing, Singing, Swaying, Cuddling
    • Feed; Breastfeed, Breast-pump, Bottle, Burp
    • Play; Tummy Time, Reading Books, Dangling Objects, Bath, Gymboree, Swim Class, Mum Networking, Sick Baby, Getting Baby in Pram, Getting Out of the House
  • Grow Household revenues for core Baby brand through efficient sleep and eating strategies
  • Manage to deflect extremely tense situations with humour and general positive attitude
  • Communicate and translate in multiple languages; English, Spanish, and Goo-Goo Ga-Ga
  • Daily waste management

Various Brands and Companies – Digital Strategist (Jan 2010 – Dec 2015)

  • Doing digital stuff for various brands and making them money
  • Chilling out and drinking coffee
  • Talking to colleagues and having drinks after work

Education:

  • New Mum University, P.H.D. Breast-feeding and Sleep Management
  • A University in England, MA Behavioural Decision Science, U.K.
  • A Fairly Decent University, B.A. Public Relations and Advertising, Los Angeles, California
  • IPA Foundation Certificate

Awards:

  • 2016 Mums are the Shit Award for Pushing Baby Out of Body at New Mum University
  • 2010 Cecil Award for Best Marketing Plan at A Fairly Decent University
  • 2009 Cecil Award for Best Commercial at A Fairly Decent University

  So there you have it. As you can see, the responsibilities are extremely demanding. I would even say that being a Mum is more difficult than any job in the corporate world. Being CEM is fucking tough, so raise a hand for all the Mums and Dads working for Household Inc.! 

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57 thoughts on “Updated CV: CEM, Chief Executive Mum at Household Inc.”

  1. This is brilliant….when I was on mat leave it could not have been further from a holiday if I tried. My son is 2.5 now and I actually see going to work as a bit of a break if truth be told! I take my hat off to all SAHM’s because that is the hardest job in the world. #brillblogposts

  2. AMAZING!! I’ve seen this type of post attempted before, but this is the most brilliantly inspired version with the best twists, that I’ve ever seen!! You encapsulate brilliantly just what it’s all about, and good for you for single handedly destroying the image that mums returning from maternity leave are a lesser person, or have had their brains fried by ‘doing nothing’ for a few months! I can’t wait to go back to work (but it’s another 2 years until that’s financially viable!!!) and at that time, I’ll have been a SAHM for five years!! Well, I’ll be looking forward to getting a job if I’m not in a mental institution, at any rate!!
    #stayclassy

  3. Brilliant lol! I too used to think mat leave would be a nice break and had a nasty shock ha ha! I now work part time two days a week and often tell my colleagues my work days are my weekend! X #stayclassy

  4. Haha! Brilliant. I often look back on my marketing career, remembering how stressful it sometimes seemed, when in fact what really sticks out now is all the cups of tea I could actually drink while still warm and how much of a breeze the whole thing was compared to mummying!! X

  5. P.s I now do my career in the evenings, interrupted every half an hour so by screaming baby demanding my breasts. Totally unglamorous #stayclassy.

  6. LOVE IT again. You are writing some fab posts. On a roll. You deserve a promotion CEM and FAB BLOG WRITER and then add multi-tasker genius to your CV too 🙂 #stayclassy

  7. Love this! It’s probably about time for me to update the old CV as well. Being a full-time mum on mat leave has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s a 24/7 job, one that you get without having to interview, train or get a degree. In the early days, I remember thinking, “I can’t believe the hospital let me take this baby home. I’m not qualified for this.” I still feel like that somtimes. #StayClassy

  8. Love this post – I remember when Emma was only a few hours old and my other half went home to sleep, it was just me & her and I was just terrified that I am responsible for this teeny person. A bit like when I first drove a car without the driving instructor… Hope you get some decent sleep soon, I have a non sleeper and know it’s super tough #StayClassy xx

  9. You got the job lovely – no competition! Love it! You never fail to make me smile and I love finding your posts on linkys. You’re so right about the demands – I once remember not even having time to iron one of my husband’s shirts when he was out at work – I’d come over all housewife like and said that I’d get one ironed – ironing board stayed up all day and not 5 bloody minutes to actually do the job – his face when he came inn said he didn’t believe me! #coolmumclub

  10. You know I totally agree with this! I really can’t believe how much I’ve developed since becoming a mother and for employers not to see that in women returning to work strikes me as completely barmy! Really like the way you’ve made your arguments #stayclassy

  11. This is so clever! I am tiredly chuckling into my tea! My friends still say that it must be lovely for me to work part time…like in the time I am not at work I am making daisy chains and sipping prosecco..how they will be surprised when they start having kids..#stayclassy

  12. Haha exactly! A few of my friends have said (jokingly) maternity leave would be a nice break, and although I know it’s a joke I know this is also what they actually think because I thought the same thing. BIG surprise!

  13. I hear you sister! You have my both hands! “… done and dusted vegetable head.” Totally rocks! & Daily waste management (nuff said). A very cleaver and hilarious piece of writing there. 🙂

    Thank you so much for linking up with us on #FabFridayPost x

  14. Oh god I raise a glass to you on that one! Work is a doddle, it really is. Life outside being a parent is a doddle. I even got emotional the other day thinking about when my son leaves home and how awful it will be….he’s 7! nuff said!
    love your post:)

    mainy – myrealfairy

    #stayclassy

  15. Love it! I totally thought that I would be able to start a blue chip company while on maternity leave, or at the very least write a novel. It was all I could do to wear clothes. Thanks for linking up with #FabFridayPost

  16. Another brilliant post! As mothers we all know how much we have to juggle and what a steep learning curve it is when you become a mother but others seem to wonder what we get up to all day. It’s amazing how much we do and learn when we become mothers and I believe more credit should be given to us when we go back to work. #Stayclassy

  17. Ah love your stuff chick. So true. It is NOT a break. Constant. I have no clue how I am going to cope with 2! Thank the lordy for nursery for the older one two days a week. I think I’d hire you anyways. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

  18. Hahaha this is sooooo true. Mother also thought that maternity leave would be a bit like holiday and actually envisaged reading lots of books whilst I dozed soundly in my Moses basket. HA! she too feels it’s the hardest job ever – and that her day job is a doddle in comparison. Bravo to all the mothers and fathers doing their absolute best x #bigpinklink

  19. I loved this! It’s actually better than my real life CV which is woefully short of bullshit. Need to work on that. This had me laughing out loud, thank you for linking to #chucklemums!

  20. I hear you! Being a mum is long, (all!), hours, crap pay, no breaks and physically demanding. Obviously there are rewards but my god do we need to be showered in appreciation and chocolate for our efforts! Thanks for linking up. #bigpinklink

  21. This is very true – you should check out my “what is a Mummy worth” host post so you know what salary to aim for 😀 #chucklemums

  22. Everything you said here is so true! When i went back after no1 i was treated like i had forgotten how to spell and turn a computer on. I got so bored of ‘just doing admin work’ (i used to be the Creative Director before the kids) that i ended up leaving as i felt so under valued. Works excuse: you have other priorities now and we don’t like being second on the list. That’s how the corporate world seems to see women which sucks! #chucklemums

  23. Haha this is the best CV ever! Parenting is a 24 seven job with little to no rest, break and holiday time!
    Round of applause to you for this great post! 🙂 xxx #BigPinkLink

  24. This is brilliant!
    I wrote a blog about how we should be able to put ‘School Run Mum’ on our CVs, it is a whole different world and we deserve recognition!

  25. Very true! I never realised how hard it is being a mum to a newborn. My baby girl is 3 months old and wow its been the toughest time of my life. Work does seem like a holiday now! xx

    Thanks for linking up with #puddinglove

  26. What a fantastic post and you really have developed some great baby management skills – you should certainly pass this round your office when you return! #chucklemums #passthesauce

  27. I really like what you guys are up too. This kind of clever work and coverage! Keep up the great works guys I’ve inpoecoratrd you guys to our blogroll.

  28. Love the CV 🙂 I also agree with what you said about maternity leave not being a holiday, I can’t imagine a less relaxing thing to do than be at home 24/7 with a new baby!
    Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂
    Debbie

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