**Employers please see Resume/CV at the bottom Word to the non-parents: Maternity leave is NOT a holiday.
Pre-baby I honestly thought maternity leave would be a nice break from work. I knew that it was going to be hard, but on the flip side I thought…..I wouldn’t have any projects or deadlines, I wouldn’t have to deal with presentations or meetings, I could hang out in my pyjamas all day, I could do short weekend get-aways to different countries, you can totally do that with a baby right? WRONG. So, so, so, SO wrong.
The reason you are in pajamas all day is because you don’t even have ONE SECOND for yourself. Nothing is for yourself anymore. Gone are the days where you can freely get up from your desk, go into the kitchen, make a cup of coffee and have a chat with a colleague.
Work sounds like a holiday to me now. Meetings sound like Magic Mike strippers calling me onto their yacht. And managing a project sounds like being fed grapes whilst sipping on the most expensive glass of champagne in the world. I actually don’t even know how I am writing this post.
The baby has been sleeping for 20 minutes. I can hear the clock ticking until it strikes PLAY TIME and he starts crying and needs my FULL ATTENTION. Meanwhile I only slept for three hours last night. WHAT A JOB. Parents do not get enough credit for having children. It is THE hardest job in the world but companies and employers don’t appreciate the skills that parents have.
And especially for woman returning from maternity leave or from being a Stay-at-home Mum, they are considered a done and dusted vegetable head. But this is SO wrong. I still have all my skills prior to maternity leave PLUS more important life skills that can and will help me in the corporate world. So, to crack the illusion that maternity is some sort of holiday I have decided to include my qualifications and skills of being a Mum on my resume. Here it goes…
MEAGAN THE MUM
1 Parentville Road, Various City in England, RHW 3THH
I have a great deal of experience in media/advertising, client and baby servicing, emerging digital platforms and growing a human being. Currently I maintain a clear mind while a screaming baby is on my hip, develop and execute digital strategy across various products in the Corporate Jungle. Applications & Tools: Facebook, Twitter, Baby Swing, Breast-Pump, Natural Teat Bottle, Instagram, Pinterest, WordPress, Diaper Changing, DoubleClick, Flash Talking, MediaMind, Google Analytics, Comscore
Employment History & Key Achievements
Household Inc. – CEM, Chief Executive Mum (Jan 2016 – PRESENT)
- Develop new Baby guidelines across the entire Household portfolio to keep colleagues focused, inspired and to further continuous development of Baby brand
- Lead strategy and development of nighttime routine to increase conversion of sleeping hours
- Maintain strong relationships with senior Mums and various Mum networks to better understand value of competitor Baby brands
- Challenge colleagues to think about how Baby fits into the overall Household objectives and deliver a long term framework
- With substantial feeding responsibility, significant milk growth was achieved whilst increasing Baby brand
- Expert in social media and photography skills for Household portfolio
- Consistently identify Baby needs by staying up to date on innovative solutions and advising on adoption of new technologies, ensuring that approaches are linked to objectives
- Develop core skills for Baby brand with Tummy Time
- Utilised Breast tools and manage internal milk supply to develop the Baby brand
- Demonstrated a sound understanding of various Baby cries in order to report on development strategies, performance and potential damaged goods
- Deliver on key performance indicators every day by entertaining Baby 24/7 with no breaks
- Assist with troubleshooting discrepancies across Household portfolio
- Capable of multi-tasking various Baby brand projects; Baby on Breast, researching Baby products, managing Baby clothes, developing Baby brain, heart, lungs, eyes, and body
- Liaise with teams internally and recommend Baby optimisations and discuss requests to ensure efficient delivery of Baby brand
- Helping Household business deliver our Baby brand vision globally
- Integral part of the Baby team to manage a versatile ecosystem which includes;
- Sleep; Rocking, Bouncing, Singing, Swaying, Cuddling
- Feed; Breastfeed, Breast-pump, Bottle, Burp
- Play; Tummy Time, Reading Books, Dangling Objects, Bath, Gymboree, Swim Class, Mum Networking, Sick Baby, Getting Baby in Pram, Getting Out of the House
- Grow Household revenues for core Baby brand through efficient sleep and eating strategies
- Manage to deflect extremely tense situations with humour and general positive attitude
- Communicate and translate in multiple languages; English, Spanish, and Goo-Goo Ga-Ga
- Daily waste management
Various Brands and Companies – Digital Strategist (Jan 2010 – Dec 2015)
- Doing digital stuff for various brands and making them money
- Chilling out and drinking coffee
- Talking to colleagues and having drinks after work
- New Mum University, P.H.D. Breast-feeding and Sleep Management
- A University in England, MA Behavioural Decision Science, U.K.
- A Fairly Decent University, B.A. Public Relations and Advertising, Los Angeles, California
- IPA Foundation Certificate
- 2016 Mums are the Shit Award for Pushing Baby Out of Body at New Mum University
- 2010 Cecil Award for Best Marketing Plan at A Fairly Decent University
- 2009 Cecil Award for Best Commercial at A Fairly Decent University
So there you have it. As you can see, the responsibilities are extremely demanding. I would even say that being a Mum is more difficult than any job in the corporate world. Being CEM is fucking tough, so raise a hand for all the Mums and Dads working for Household Inc.!