Over the last month, I have been interviewing for other jobs (**update: I’ve been offered two jobs, both advertising agencies, and both much better than my current one!) and it has really made me think about my job as a mum, what would an employer ask me if I was going for the position of Parent?
Surely somebody should have made sure I was qualified to be a mum? You shouldn’t be allowed to have a drunken passionate night of sex and then POOF, you are now ready to be a mum. (**cough cough**)
I definitely should have been interviewed because, let’s be honest, I was soooooooo not ready.
But now that I am a mom, here is what I would ask if I had to interview someone for the position of Parent.
Can you function like a normal human being on less than two hours of sleep?
In the first six months of being a mum, my main responsibilities were breastfeeding and rocking back and forth trying to get the baby to sleep. If you are REALLY lucky, you may have a baby that sleeps, but this is very, very, very rare. Normally in the first three months they wake up every three hours to be fed, play for a short period of time, and then rock them (or boob them) back to sleep.
Do you enjoy running around all day long?
Now that my son is walking (**running) I do not sit down, EVER. I cannot go anywhere that doesn’t allow children to run around, which means, I cannot go anywhere. Period. Over the weekend I tried to go to Windsor Castle with my son, all we did was run around the bathroom area and yell at the guards. We tried to go into the State Apartments but Bear was NOT having it, he screamed and screamed, all he wanted to do was RUN. Prepare for a Forest Gump-esque marathon. And just to be clear, I’m not talking cute little “baby runs,” my son RUN runs. He is f**king speedy Gonzalez over here.
Do you have a low sex drive?
I hate admitting this but I want to be real with you, my sex life has declined. It’s not like I have turned into Virgin Mary over here (thank god), but finding the time to DTD is tough. Mostly because our schedules are always jam packed and by the end of the day we are utterly exhausted. I think on average, new parents probably only have sex once a month but after a certain period of time it goes back up (maybe to have another baby LOLs).
Do you like waking up between the hours of 4am and 6:30am?
Okay to be fair, on this one, I was lucky. Bear slept until 7am most days but just recently he has been getting up earlier and earlier, I think it must be the sun? This morning I bought black out curtains on Amazon, cross your fingers for me!
Are you patient?
Whew! This is a big one. I had to start learning how to be patient even before Bear was born, he was born almost three weeks late and the pregnancy was such a bore (sorry I know I’m supposed to think it’s some sort of miracle but we all know that’s pretty much BS). Now that he is a baby toddler, I’ve realised that the pregnancy was just the tip of the ice berg. He has already started with the tantrums and they are a DOOZY. I stared at him with an extremely confused look while he locked his pretty blue eyes with mine and opened his mouth as wide as possible and let out a manic scream. I was like, Whose child is this? BOYFRIEEENNDDDD, WHERE ARE YOU!
This is a preferred qualification….
Are you organised?
You could argue this and say that you don’t need to be organised to be a parent. But on the contrary, I would say having an organised parent is overwhelmingly helpful. Neither I nor my partner are THAT organised, I think I used to be as a child but as the years dragged on my skills have fallen to the wayside, mostly because I don’t have the time to think about that shit! There are more important things to do. But to be fair, if you are organised I think this will be a massive help in your journey to parenthood.
So now you know! Don’t take this all too heart (…but maybe you should...) ; ).